I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
You Might Also Like
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.