After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
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all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.