When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
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Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
my one true gender
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god