My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
We avoided this particular disaster
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*