what the
You Might Also Like
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Cndnsd Mlk
hmm conte-me mais
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.