Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
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and now we wait
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
All. The. Damn. Time.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.