The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Dance like you’re not the father
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use