God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
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SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
you will never know the true number of layers
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer