[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.