A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
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Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.