Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.