Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
✌️
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.