I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
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Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work