I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
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Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Happy Halloween 🎃
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.