friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Thursday
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.