We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
You Might Also Like
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Xylophonist Shredding It
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.