“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
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I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Have kids, they said
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Name another movie that mislead you?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names