we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh