whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”