Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
channeling her this year
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.