Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
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Battery falling down a hole
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?