Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
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You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Good advice.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water