Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I hope it’s French Onion!
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
When you’re Kinky but poor
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart