My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
You Might Also Like
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The Weeknd is back
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.