9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going