Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her