SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
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Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what