Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
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I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.