This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
getting old is fun
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.