We’re all getting idioter.
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15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.