I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
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i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.