Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.