Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
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Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.