Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.