Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
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Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome