*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
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I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth