Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
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Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.