Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Warm pools make me nervous.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any