Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
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2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
This is I, Robot all over again
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Has science gone too far?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.