Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
*ernest hemingway voice*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t