*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
You Might Also Like
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.