First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
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Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.