You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
this is me
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*