Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
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“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.