2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
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Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.