I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
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me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
This could’ve been an email.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”