[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
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April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!