Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
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I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.