Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
You Might Also Like
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Cats (2019)
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
new wife guy just dropped
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.