If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
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I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
uh oh
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.